Today has been a dark day, I feel like I woke up this morning and someone put a box over me, I am stuck in this box. It feels like old times, but I can’t go back to the old times…I can’t. I’m scared. I feel like things are crumbling down all around me when not even a crack in my life has occurred. When I hang out with my friends I can’t connect with them, I hear them but it’s echoes, I don’t even know where I am when people talk to me. I take an idea and blow it out of proportion. It just confuses me how I could be so happy for those couple months and all of a sudden today it all changes. My head is like a light switch and it just got turned off, it’s getting cold and dark in there and I’m afraid I’m going to end up back where I was…I was doing so good.
As my junior year dwindles to a end, going to a new school, new classes, new friends. What a crazy year to say the least. It first started off as a shock, from being discharged from the hospital no one knowing my story or even how to make a story for myself there. Not going to lie I was in a bad place for most of the year, abusing myself, substances, getting involved in bad relationships, having no relationship with my friends, losing friends, I lost all trust in my parents, my grades slipped and going back into the hospital again. All through that, I’m still here…some may think that’s not something to be proud of but I am proud of it. I got the proper help, even when I didn’t want to get any help, I tried and I feel like whole new person. I can’t even remember half my junior year because my depression was so bad at the time, but I’m glad because now I’m making the best memories as I write this. I really hope this feeling lasts forever,I hope it isn’t just a phase but I feel like it won’t be, I am truly happy…it’s an amazing feeling. As the year came to a close I became close with some amazing people, these are the people who actually understand me, respect me, and try to make me a better person, also not to forget the two people who were there through the years (Tony, and Rachel). All my friends and family who are in my life right now, you guys are angels…you saved me. I can finally close this dark chapter of my life, for good.
First off, I would like to tell you a few things about what I think about you. I personally think you are a fucking piece of shit, depression. You suck, you make it hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. You make me sad (obviously) like not a normal kind of sad, the hopeless kind of sad. You made me slip in school thinking everything is pointless, my grades don’t matter, friendships don’t matter, nothing matters to you. You made me believe doing drugs would get rid of you but it only made you worse. You made me into a totally different person. I USED TO LOVE, now all I can think about is dying inside. I see everyone smiling and laughing, I want to smile and laugh but I fucking can’t I have to force it out. I want this dark wall to be lifted. Those two times I went into the hospital almost dying you really pushed me to the edge those days, funny thing is I’m still alive, depression. Jokes on you. You put me through hell and back, at first not even treatment helped me but I’m getting better now. So depression, to conclude this, I would just like to say you will not win this and you never will.